Have I spoken about my life lately?
Have I shared how my life has been since I started this blog 2 years ago?

Nothing to be proud of, nothing has changed yet, but I moved on...

People changed and so I did...

Starting from getting new job and joined a much bigger company, there is where I started to realise that I don't have enough time of the day to finish my work.  I was piled up with works that I don't simply have time to think about myself.  And then love stories came across my way, probably not exactly love stories, I will rather say it was more about one sided type of love.  However for me, it was much more than that. And last thing but not the least, rather it may give me bigger impact in life, I opened my eyes to the reality of the world.  Things that I only see on the screen or from the word of mouths changed to reality, reality that I have to accept.

Apart from works and how my career has a new dimension and new challenges.  I don't really have much changes in my life.  I am still very much single and it is sad when I have to stroll down the isle of supermarket shelfs when my friends have family to take care of.  One by one people moved on in my life, one by one people started their own life.  Though I tried to be tough and focus on my work, I still have a glimpse of hope that one day I can find someone that love me and willing to share this life together. 

Would my life have another turn?

One or two months ago, my heart broken into pieces when I liked the wrong someone, again I scraped my past along with my future.  This is my life, does not matter how strong I can be and I may say in denial, I can't runaway from it, I know where I am exactly and this is the longing in my heart to be loved and have my own family. 

I hope one day or sooner will be better for me to meet that someone....

Probably it is only a hope.... Hope...

 *Sigh...

I don't know what to write.... sometimes silence is the best way to redeem myself from all the anxiety.  I took a handful of advise from people and let myself loose.  I kept telling myself I had a hope, but my hope was only a joke and I made to hurt myself.  Thank you for my stupidity.

Once again, I wanted to wail, but I can't because I know the reality of my life is just like blow into my face and it's just to painful to notice.  I hate myself.  I hate for being myself. 

Stupidity stupidity, I can't face tomorrow.

I hate myself, I just want to  go from the face of the earth for saving my face...

I wish I can title this entry better, but nothing can amend my stupidity.  If only I can be stronger than this and refuse to give away my heart so easily, I won't have to write this entry with tears.  Though it was not as significant as people might think, it was only a crush after all, a high school crush.....

Trying hard to be tough and made my decision for life to be sufficient with being single, I was declaring my resolution to the world.  I thought I can get away and forget about the longing to have someone worthy in my life.  I thought I will sway all the temptations away from me.  I shifted all my energy to do the best I can at work, though most of the time I failed so badly, but at least I know exactly where I step my feet to.

Promising myself not to hope anymore, I was fully unguarded when I realize I still have a human heart & hope....

Though I loss all my capability to love, I know exactly that I still have a tiny hope to love, to have my own family, to raise my own blood... the hope that I might not dare to say to anyone, nor my own ears....

I kept trying to run away from my reality, the pain for incapability to love & fear of rejection have induced me to sleep for so long.  If only I can be honest to myself, I might not have to feel this way.

This short term crush has awakened the pain I kept for so long. hope that I don't even dare to whisper.  This crushed hope I blamed it all to my inability to guard my own heart. 

May be, 20 years down the track, I won't even remember this single memory, but I will do the least I can, how my heart followed the spirit of Valentine Day and execute it as a chance to start new thing with this person I worked with.  Not a very eloquent way to jot down such a deep thought.... probably it was even worse, I was so intensely searching for the truth, thanks to internet, I could get all his data in no time. And exactly one week after the thought of blossoming love, I got back to reality, the hard to swallow reality....

I have nothing more to say, then to admit my stupidity....

I have forsaken this blog once my real life gets too real. in only less than 2 weeks I will be in Japan. it's something to celebrate.

however life has turned around quite drastically in this end. my best friend got married, I became the maid of honor, I received a question whether I am single by the bestman, I resigned from my old job, someone cashed to my car, I started my new job without a car for the first one week, I get along with my colleague, a new project manager joined along and I had a bit of glitz due to his personality. apart from that I went for citizenship test, I got my Japanese visa and went for JLPT level 4 which I don't think I did well enough.

my real life has been so hectic that I can even put up with my fandoming. the tragic thing is I was so into my real life and started to whine about it again.

the only way i can be honest about myself is by writing my thought, it's a pain, but there is no other way I could make this easy. jotting down every idea and thought into a cluster of writing is just the best.

my confusion and feeling were too much to comprehend with and I loss all the tract to go back to who I was. one year I had spent to sooth myself and drive away from my reality, now I can't see whether I have found my way back, I am no where near my conviction here.

could it be the reality has absorbed me?

I always hate the thought of being assumed and being judged. the closer you could be with someone, the chance of being judged is greater. i know if only I have a single chance to explain in better words, but how could I positioned myself in.

 
As I grow older, I understand in the wisdom of making decision, each decision counts and in anyway I tried to be responsible with each and every words I utter publicly, though sometimes things do not make any good sense.  As for now, I am able to reason my decision in a better way.  I chose the step and I won't go back.  Eventhough my life after might not be as bright as I thought it would be, but at least I agree on the consequences I have to carry.

My boss faced me and asked me the possiblity of me to stay, but there is no way I wanted to repeat the history and stay at the same company anymore.  I know I have been through all psychologically challenging job.  I was abused verbally by my boss now and then, endurance was hard task, but when you need something it is the only way to do it.  I endured for so long, not for any other reason, but rather to shape myself in understanding the work of professionalism and seeing a bigger picture.  This is the track that I tried to manage and walk, but sometimes everything does not always work accordingly.  There will always be a flaw in any of the plan, however it depends on how we can take it personally.  I was in the state of depressed and despair.  At that point, I knew that I was not ready until I could deal with myself, when the time was up, He let His hands open and blessing runs down to me.  It was  the hardest choices to make, but again I don't want to regret in anything, because everything has been crafted in.

The scars might always be there, but it is the one that make me special.  Everyone else does..... everyone else is special in their own right.... and for me it is the decision that I made which molded me as myself.

Have a great day.

 
Randomly checking my agenda again, I left a lot of things on hold.  These days I have been dragged into a deeper thought, especially at those moment of silent and loneliness inside my car.

By the way, I have to give up on my car for a week or so for repair due to my lack of driving skill, I might not mention it yet, but someone crashed on my car when I was in hurry to get back to my work.  Alright without further a due I might have to reveal my title in a "glamarous way" rather than doggy writing I have been doing for awhile.

Who said that I have said enough to my life, though my life is a string of failures, but I still have the courage to move forward once again.  Yesterday I laid almost lifeless in my bed, exhausted from days of long working hours.  I voluntarily offered myself to do so, since I am going to depart from my current company and join another company by mid of this month.  Therefore I just want to be responsible and finished as much works as possible, give them user manual for some of the systems, so at least they don't depend on me any longer.  The problem is I have a limit.  My body is weak, it does not matter how I exercise to strengthen those muscles of mine, I could not help to fall sick now and then.  I am kind of tired of it. 

Taking myself in the direction of glim and glam, when the neon light has subdued itself and no more spotlight to highlight the best thing of life, would we ever be motivated once again to live our lives to the fullest?  It does not matter where we belong, most of us would never experience those glamarous lights, but again it is our attitude that matter the most.

I walked my way in the path where I would challenge my inner being again and again.  I just don't want to let my guard down for the simple reason, I love challenge so much, I want to stretch this life to the extend that I could not go any further.  However I deserve some rest too, I am purely and simply a human being anyway.  Flesh and blood I am....

Today, as we step into spring, in overjoy mode I tried to reflect back the path I have been through for the past year.  No... it was not as glamarous at all, it was rather pitiful, but for me I'll pick up the trashes I left and I'll work hard to put the pieces together again.  In gratefulness I overjoy the fact that I didn't make a wrong decision, though I might be in the hall of shame instead of fame, I am satisfied with the decision I made.  Probably I was relieved that I didn't walk the isle so soon.  Pity for some, but glorious for some.  Yes, I believe indeed that every bit of decision we made will shape the future of ours.  Simple facts..............

Though I am happy with all decision I made, I could not say my desperation and sometimes I would knock my head to the desk, just for the fact that I was too confident in all my decision.  Losing it does not always mean we lose everything else.  Indeed, we might gain a lot...

This might be a very long and useless blabbering, but one thing for sure that our lives it is a long journey, lets make it as important as possible, lets make it as challenging as possible, lets make it as interesting as possible, lets make it as useful as possible, so one day when the days of our lives ends, there is none to regret about.

Ok.... ciao for now....

 
The day has come to brighter side, it is nearing to daylight saving and I love the season of Spring.  Sliding down the road I drove my car back to work, pulling myself together and gathering those courage to get back to my feet.  "New Day" song was played in replay mode instead of those Japanese songs I played for ages.  I realised I have been missing a lot, but no more room to regret.

It was the brighter day that brought me back to reality, despite it was not the prettiest thing ever, yet I understood that I could only choose one way.  Coming back to realisation that I am only a human.  Choosen by grace and living by mercy.... Could it be any better than that?

While more than half of the earth will meet its end in despair, I was so busy putting my plans and dreams together.  Yet it was the conversation with my housemate which struck my soul.  Only one thing was missing from the equation, but the formula won't be solve without it.  The one thing that human has been searching for long.

One thing for certain, I walk down the same path again and again, but I knew I have been sharpened each time.  For certain I declared that I won't have anything else and won't treat to anything else. 

Engraved my conclusion into the loaf of my heart, I knew for certain only 2 type of people in this universe.  One who follows his will and fulfilled His dream, and one who don't do it....

It was not the nicest thing to admit in our lives.  Days come and go, some days brighter and others, some gloomier than others, but only one thing for certain that the days on earth is countable.  Human is mortal....
Sad to admit that life is just yet another episode to many episodes to come, though life is not melodrama.  Life will serve itself, but how we count each day.

We numbered the day, today will always be history and future will never come.  The prettiest girl in a row will age one day, saddest thing to admit that everything will be gone.  Certainly only Him who will stay,  eternally....

This string of days, how I would end it...

It has blown my mind when I made my decision on how I want to be remember when my days come to an end.  The doom of my life, the failures, everything.... but only one thing I want people to utter "I could see Jesus in her life"
Only that.....

My life consists of failures and handful of successes, though I am not the greatest of all, though I would only be the insignificant, but this life.... I want to make it important for others to see that it is Jesus in me.

I am not sure how I should put it together, I haven't poured out my feeling for long and putting words together is a bit hard.  I hope I make any sense.

I have to many things to say, the only thing is I hope I won't make stupid mistake again.

there are too many words to say, I can't describe it well enough. however it was always be back to one conclusion, God is great.

on Saturday last week, I was happy to say that I witnessed such a beautiful wedding, though everything was not turned out as good. the bride fell sick during the photo session. while I got unexpected question from the bestman, he asked me whether I am single. I know how thing will turn out to be, no... I will hold my vow tightly.

following the wedding, on Sunday I collapsed!!! I could not bring myself out of bed and ever since then I didn't stop eating.

as for Monday, my life back to normal. the biggest news was on Tuesday when the agent informed me that I got the job. good!!! but ever since that I was so stress, the problems I had to deal with is spill the bean to my boss. to be honest, he has exploited me ever since.

I don't really know now how to be light and be smart. now as I write this down, I felt that he has exploited me. sometimes I hope that I can move a steel from my fluid character. however it never happened, the fluid will be abused. not a very good analogy indeed. I have to stop writing and have some sleep.

I have to many things to say, the only thing is I hope I won't make stupid mistake again.

there are too many words to say, I can't describe it well enough. however it was always be back to one conclusion, God is great.

on Saturday last week, I was happy to say that I witnessed such a beautiful wedding, though everything was not turned out as good. the bride fell sick during the photo session. while I got unexpected question from the bestman, he asked me whether I am single. I know how thing will turn out to be, no... I will hold my vow tightly.

following the wedding, on Sunday I collapsed!!! I could not bring myself out of bed and ever since then I didn't stop eating.

as for Monday, my life back to normal. the biggest news was on Tuesday when the agent informed me that I got the job. good!!! but ever since that I was so stress, the problems I had to deal with is spill the bean to my boss. to be honest, he has exploited me ever since.

I don't really know now how to be light and be smart. now as I write this down, I felt that he has exploited me. sometimes I hope that I can move a steel from my fluid character. however it never happened, the fluid will be abused. not a very good analogy indeed. I have to stop writing and have some sleep.